


Dummy Thicc

by shutupimshakira (Sniperdoodle)



Series: Byleth Joins Smash House [4]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Crack, Gen, dummy THICC, this is possibly the stupidest thing ive written for this series yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25147063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sniperdoodle/pseuds/shutupimshakira
Summary: The thought of wringing Arundel’s neck brings a smile to Hubert’s face as he walks down the halls of the palace. That’s the problem he’s currently contemplating: how to take down Arundel. It’s the obvious next step in their plans against Those Who Slither, and he’s about to deliver his strategies to Edelgard and Byleth.Clap . . . clap . . . clap . . .Hubert presses his body flush against the wall and waits as the strange clapping noise gets nearer. Could Those Who Slither have sent another assassin? If so, why are they making that sound?Clap . . . clap . . . clap . . .
Series: Byleth Joins Smash House [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1782202
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	Dummy Thicc

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah uh . . . just a warning, I've never played a Metal Gear Solid game. All I did to prepare to write for Snake was watch the dummy thicc video, look up his Smash moveset, and watched like five minutes of a video about the history of his box. 
> 
> But otherwise, I hope you enjoy!

Hubert is hoping for a peaceful day. 

Ever since Byleth was inducted into the Smash Tournament, things have gotten weird. Her fishing companions are odd, and last week one threw a bomb into the pond killing all the fish (Hubert then had to try and order live fish to be put into the pond so Byleth could continue to fish and stop pouting). Edelgard has adopted an electric rat that she’s grown fond of and she won’t allow Hubert to exterminate (despite giving him a concussion, Charles did save her life once so he’s not allowed to complain now). Other weirdos from across the multiverse have stopped by for a variety of reasons, from just saying hi, brawling, or having tea. 

On top of that pile of shit is the growing threat of Those Who Slither. They’ve been getting bolder, stepping out of the shadows to try and strike at the Emperor. However, this is a problem that can’t be stopped by military might alone. They have to work in the shadows just a while longer before those snakes can be brought to justice. 

The thought of wringing Arundel’s neck brings a smile to Hubert’s face as he walks down the halls of the palace. That’s the problem he’s currently contemplating: how to take down Arundel. It’s the obvious next step in their plans against Those Who Slither, and he’s about to deliver his strategies to Edelgard and Byleth. 

_Clap . . . clap . . . clap . . ._

Hubert presses his body flush against the wall and waits as the strange clapping noise gets nearer. Could Those Who Slither have sent another assassin? If so, why are they making that sound?

_Clap . . . clap . . . clap . . ._

Sliding down the hallway is a brown box of some kind, with a different language printed on the side. The edges of the box scrap against the floor, but the clapping noise is coming from inside of it. There must be someone inside, but Hubert doesn’t understand why they would use something so out of place as a disguise. 

He appears to have been unnoticed, and watches as the box continues straight down the hallway. Then, he begins to creep after it. 

Even when he’s right on top of it, the box continues to crawl along. Hubert grabs the side of the boxes and lifts, throwing the surprisingly light object to the side, revealing the person underneath. 

Crouched on the floor is a middle-aged, bearded man. He has a gray bandana wrapped around his head, and is wearing a _very_ tight gray bodysuit underneath a black harness. The man appears to be surprised that Hubert was able to easily divest him of his cover. 

Before Hubert can begin his usual threats, the man jumps up and knocks his knee into Hubert’s chin. Hubert painfully bites down on his lip, and he tastes blood as he’s launched backwards into the air. This man is powerful, and Hubert foolishly underestimated him because of his stupid cover. 

Hubert lands on the ground, hard. He manages to roll out of the way as the man lunges for his throat, making him think that the man is an assassin with the way he’s prepared to mercilessly kill Hubert. Thankfully, he’s prepared to do the same. He moves further back as he begins to cast Death Г.

The black magic coalesces at the man’s feet, but he dodges out of the way before the purple smoke can consume him. As he jumps away, he throws a strange, ovular object at Hubert. Hubert feels like it would be a good idea to dodge that. 

He runs down the hallway, in the opposite direction of the man as the object explodes. He narrowly avoids the fire, but that explosion should be enough to draw the Imperial Guard. The assassin will be overwhelmed by their numbers. Even so, Hubert prepares Miasma Δ as he waits for the assassin to strike again. 

The first on the scene is Byleth, running into the hallway with the Sword of the Creator drawn. She spots the assassin, rears back to strike, but falters and calls out, “Snake?”

The assassin stands up straight, taking his eyes off Hubert. That’s a mistake. Hubert runs forward and cast as this ‘Snake’ says, “Byl-ARGH!”

Miasma hits Snake, but doesn’t outright kill him. He’s still standing despite the direct hit. Hubert is about to cast again when Byleth steps forward, “Hubert, wait! This is one of the Smash competitors!”

Hubert lets the spell die, but spits out blood as he demands, “Goddess, really? Another one?”

Byleth looks between the two, casting Heal on both of them, as she asks, “What happened?”

“He was sneaking around,” Hubert begins. It’s easier to talk without the gash in his lip, but he still tastes blood, “You know about our current situation with Those Who Slither. We can’t just have strangers wander around the palace without informing someone about it.”

“I didn’t invite Snake over,” Byleth says. She turns to Snake. “Why are you here?”

Snake doesn’t seem to be phased by any of this, and blatantly reveals, “I was gathering intel about you.”

Byleth stares at him, then at Hubert and back, “You would like Hubert, then.”

“That is a flagrant abuse of your privacy,” Hubert begins. “If he really was an assassin here for Her Majesty’s life-”

“He’s not though,” Byleth says. He sighs in defeat, as he’s not going to get anywhere with Byleth right now and he doesn’t have the energy for it. 

“How were you able to detect me?” Snake asks. 

Hubert levels a glare at him, “You were moving around in a strange box. There was also that . . . clapping noise. What was that?” 

“Snake’s dummy thicc,” Byleth says. 

“What?”

“I’m dummy thicc,” Snake repeats. “The clap of my ass cheeks tends to alert guards.”

“The . . . the . . . the clapping noise,” Hubert tries to speak. “Was your-”

“Ass cheeks,” Snake finishes. 

Hubert just stares at Snake, trying to even comprehend the physics behind that statement. He’s quickly ignored as Byleth turns to Snake and asks, “Would you like some tea? It’s just about tea time.”

“Sure.”

He watches the two walk away, left behind standing in the ruined hallway. Byleth’s new friends were going to be the death of him. 

**Author's Note:**

> So uh, I don't have anything prepared for next week. I have an idea for like, three more fics in this series and I do appreciate all of y'all suggestions it's just . . . I really haven't played the majority of the games included in Smash Ultimate. I probably wouldn't do a lot of the characters justice if I didn't understand them. But like I said, thank-you for the comments!
> 
> Next time (once I actually write it): Byleth has a bad time.


End file.
